Homer Simpson Quotes

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

If at first you don't succeed, give up.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder.

"I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth."

Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.

Marge: "Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?"

Homer: "Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries."

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter?  Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.  Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin... then the sweet, sweet innards...

Do I know what rhetorical means?

I won't apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way that I am.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.