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Mr Churchill, you are drunk.

Madam, you are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.

— Winston Churchill

Submitted by Lizziess almost 2 years ago

23 loves
1. funny
2. humour
3. insults
4. one-liner
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

— Steven Wright

Submitted by robotnic over 1 year ago

7 loves
1. funny
2. lawyers
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Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.

— Unknown

Submitted by ChelseaLynn2010 11 months ago

11 loves
1. advice
2. funny
3. life
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After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.

— Unknown

Submitted by BigG over 1 year ago

22 loves
1. funny
2. monday
3. calendar
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My imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems.

— Anonymous

Submitted by thestephb over 1 year ago

10 loves
1. funny
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A modest man, who has much to be modest about.

— William Churchill

Submitted by colmac almost 2 years ago

9 loves
1. funny
2. humour
3. insults
4. wit
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If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

— Marcus Brigstocke

Submitted by dahby over 1 year ago

13 loves
1. comedy
2. funny
3. comedy
4. funny
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Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them.

— John Shirley

Submitted by Kaye11 over 1 year ago

13 loves
1. funny
2. weekend
3. rainbows
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Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

— Bo Burnham

Submitted by robotnic over 1 year ago

12 loves
1. funny
2. music
3. science
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Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

— Kurt Vonnegut

Submitted by phil over 1 year ago

14 loves
1. funny
2. telekinesis
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Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.

— Paula Poundstone

Submitted by Dooley over 1 year ago

14 loves
1. funny
2. growing
3. one-liner
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I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink, but under a different name.

— Jerry Dennis

Submitted by laura almost 2 years ago

14 loves
1. alcohol
2. drinking
3. funny
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If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out.

— Tim Minchin

Submitted by Jioey over 1 year ago

18 loves
1. comedy
2. funny
3. piano
4. tim minchin
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Reality continues to ruin my life.

— Bill Watterson

Submitted by quotables over 1 year ago

17 loves
1. funny
2. book
3. books
4. comic
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

— A. Whitney Brown

Submitted by pandorasinbox over 1 year ago

19 loves
1. funny
2. humour
3. veganism
4. vegans
5. vegetarianism
6. vegetarians
7. vegan
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My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin' bitch all the time.

— Bo Burnham

Submitted by mark over 1 year ago

21 loves
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Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

— Mark Twain

Submitted by pandorasinbox over 1 year ago

23 loves
1. funny
2. humour
3. insanity
4. madness
5. mind
6. sanity
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If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

— Marilyn Monroe

Submitted by Emma over 1 year ago

18 loves
1. funny
2. love
3. laugh
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I often quote myself - it adds spice to my conversation.

— George Bernard Shaw

Submitted by paulfedory almost 2 years ago

16 loves
1. funny
2. quotations
3. release
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— Anonymous

Submitted by Tsal over 1 year ago

20 loves
1. funny
2. humour
3. people
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